Reinventing Your Children 

Ideas from Bill Moyers, Walter Cronkite, Russell Baker, Beverly Sills, Jack Nicklaus and others

            “Before I got married I had six theories about bringing up children. Now I have six children and no theories,” said English poet John Milton.

            Small wonder that most child-raising theories don’t last through the first ten years of a child’s life.  Great scientists can’t even agree on how children learn.  Behaviorist psychologists have long contended that a child’s mind is a “blank slate” on which the environment, experiences and education can write the future life history of the child.  But still others say you can’t ignore the effects on a child’s mind of a gene pool that is a weird soup of genes descended from father and mother and their descendants from generations past.

            Perhaps President Harry S. Truman came closer to the mark of how to influence children when he said, “I have found the best way to give advice to your children is to find out what they want and then advise them to do it.”

            Even if you subscribe to the “blank slate” theory,  consider all the other people and influences writing on children’s  slate throughout their lives.  Their schoolmates, TV, music lyrics, comments and behaviors of adults – and more recently, the added clouds of terrorism and economic uncertainties.  Our children are facing new, more severe challenges then we ever  did when we were growing up.

            This news story from Knight-Ridder Newspapers about violence among very young children appeared in the summer of 2004.

            In Fort Worth, Texas a first grader threw chairs. Another tried to poison classroom ferrets by feeding them crayons and glue. He then tried to bite other students. These are much more than childish pranks and could be signs of serious behavioral difficulties.

           The National Parent Teacher Association makes a number of suggestions for preparing children for a much less hostile reaction to school, including encouraging children to engage in conversations, helping them learn how to share with other children, and providing them with personal attention and learning experiences by taking them to the store, post office, library and museums.

            Perhaps the best ways to guide your children in a troubled sea is, as Harry Truman said, find out what they want to do. And then help them get there.  If they want to be a writer, encourage them. If they want to be a carpenter, give them tools and teach them how to use them. It can be a mistake to try to divert children to your dreams or your current occupation if that’s not the direction they want to take.  

Bill Moyers stressed how important – how essential – a mentor can be in a child’s life. 

          Affirmation of this advice came from an unusual source.  Mickey Mantle.

I had breakfast with the hero of my youth in New York.  He was an enormously funny person so we spent a lot of the time laughing. But then he became remarkably candid about his own faults. He admitted that he once had problems with alcohol, and that he had made terrible mistakes in his post-baseball business career. He particularly felt ashamed of neglecting his sons.

He told me about the rare relationship he had with his own father.

“My dad worked in a lead and zinc mine in Oklahoma. He would come home at night, and he had four or five tennis balls he would pitch to me. And I knew he had to be dead tired. It wasn’t easy. He worked with a shovel all day long dumping ore into those big old carts. But no matter how tired he was, he would work with me from the time he got home until it got dark. And the thing that I loved was when his friends would come over, and he’d say to them, ‘you got to see this kid hit the ball.’ But as soon as they were gone, he’d say to me, ‘you can’t hit the ball worth anything on the outside corner. Are you afraid of it? Why are you backing away from it?’  If he would come to the Whiz Kids games in Baxter Springs to watch me play, and I got three home runs and made one error, all I would hear about on the way home was that one error. But he was a good teacher.  I could always tell he was proud of me. He said some day major league teams are going to get into platooning, switching right and left handed pitchers against the batters. My dad taught me to be a switch hitter. That really helped me when I got to the Major Leagues because I could hit right- or left- handers and mess up the pitchers – just by stepping across the plate.”

But then Mickey paused for a moment.

Finally he said, “My sons could have become Major League players if they had had my dad for a dad. But I just ignored them. They didn’t play Little League or anything.  If I could talk to dads, I’d tell them to really pay attention to their kids. It’s so important. And I would tell kids to take care of their bodies. I was stupid. I didn’t take care of my body and had to quit playing baseball too soon. My knees were gone – I can barely walk now.”

I got more advice about raising children from another sports hero.  Jack Nicklaus.

I flew to Columbus, Ohio, to talk with him about the PGA Clubs for Kids, a program that helps youngsters who can’t afford to buy golf equipment an opportunity to own clubs donated by organizations and individual players.

Being a born-again duffer who shoots in the low 200’s, I was very impressed by someone who had won seventy-two Official Tour Victories and earned almost nine million dollars in prize money.

He was setting up a tournament that day and very busy. I expected he would give me about five minutes time, a brochure about the program, and a “thanks for coming.” Instead he asked me to meet him at the 18^th hole.  He drove up in a golf cart and asked me to climb in.  Then he proceeded to drive me around for 18 holes, and we talked about Clubs for Kids, how he designed a golf course, strategy in golf and even how to make money in real estate. But his real enthusiasm came out when he talked about kids.

He said, “In this day and age many parents are worried about their children and what they’re doing. But you know, I have never found anyone worrying about youngsters out on a golf course. They’re out playing golf and they’re happy and busy.  I think golf is a marvelous environment for kids to be around – clean and healthful.”

As in many of my interviews over the years, I have always been amazed by how many times successful people told parallel stories about their experiences. Like Mickey Mantle, Jack was very influenced by his father.  When his dad injured his ankle, Jack began to caddy for him.

“Being a caddy was an excellent way to learn how to play in those days. But today most of the caddies have been replaced by golf carts.  My dad started me when I was ten.  But you can introduce a child to golf whenever he or she has an attention span long enough to learn the game. Some begin as early as seven or eight with cut-down clubs. Others have to be fifteen or sixteen before they’re really ready to concentrate on lessons.”

At the end of the ride, Jack stepped out of the cart and gave me a short lesson in how to hold the driver. He corrected my grip which he said, diplomatically, was “perhaps not the best.”

Since then I have often thought I could blackmail him for some of his $9 million winnings by threatening to wear a sign after I had hit my twelfth double-bogey, “Taught by Jack Nicklaus.”

But his message and enthusiasm for kids (he has five children) was infectious. He said as we parted, “Adults all over America could help many more children become involved in golf if they contributed their old golf clubs to the PGA’s Club for Kids program.”

Moral:  A golf course is a wonderful atmosphere for kids. When they’re ready, give them lessons from a local pro. And when you buy new clubs, give your old ones to the pro for kids who could escape the streets for safer and greener fairways.

I asked Bill Moyers, “If you were given a two-year-old child to raise today and you had complete charge of their education, what would you do? Particularly if you wanted to stir that child’s creative juices and help to make him or her more adaptable to life’s inevitable problems. ”

He responded, “Euclid said ‘There is no royal road to geometry.’ And there is no surefire way to evoke creativity in a person. But having been among creative people for a long time, I have some ideas. I would expose two-year-olds to reading. I would read aloud to them from age two to twenty – and ask them to read aloud. I would open them to life around and would ask questions as we travel.  Or as we walk the streets.  In every way possible, I would encourage them child to ask ‘why?’ I would never brush their questions off or be too busy to respond. I would take books to the children at their levels so that they might discover the joy of discovery.

“Whenever possible, I would try to get to know their teachers at school. Were they giving personal attention to the children and making learning more exciting. The best teachers I had were good entertainers. I can see Inez Hughes now, my 10^th grade teacher, as she stood in front of the class reading Chaucer. Or Eva Joy McGuffin, my freshman teacher at North Texas State University.  She read Wordsworth, Shelley and Keats aloud and had us to her home on Friday evenings where we could all read together.

“These teachers were all entertainers, performers. They knew how to bring characters alive and to bring the language alive.”

I told him that I found it remarkable that he could still remember the names of teachers he had many years ago. But then as we talked, I remembered some of my teachers, particularly Olga Solfronk who taught a radio workshop class at Roosevelt High School in St. Louis. She taught me how to write a radio script about the workings of the United Nations. The script won a $300 scholarship for me (big money then) and enabled me to begin my education at Washington University.  I learned humility and the importance of delivering what you promise from a grade school teacher. After I failed to turn in several papers on time after giving her inflated promises of what they would contain, she called me “a big wind.”  I don’t remember her name, but the lesson of following up on deadlines and promises has stuck with me.

Moyers believes in the value of lifelong education. He began talking about Mortimer Adler, who has since died at age 99. 

“Mortimer Adler is a man who believes teaching is the highest calling,” Bill said. “He thinks that you can light fires of learning in everyone’s mind from a child to an adult. His peak interest is in adult education to encourage more people forty-fifty-years and older to keep learning.  As they grow older and reflect on their own lives,they may now better understand the love affair of Natasha in Tolstoy’s War and Peace than they did at age 16. They are more likely to grasp the implications of the kiss in The Grand Inquisitor.”

Teaching children to be moral human beings is more important than ever today.  Daniel Yankelovitch, considered the pioneer and father of public opinion polls, said:

“When times get tough, people tend to fall back on their moral certainties. Now what happens when you go to fall back on those certainties, and they aren’t there? I think that you don’t realize  how much you count on your moral values to pull you through until you come up against hard times – whether it’s a personal crisis in your marriage, in the family or whether it’s an economic crisis. At those times you really have to ask yourself – what do I really believe in?  What do I think is right?”

 Did senior executives at Enron Corporation learn moral behavior when they were young children? Before some of them cheated thousands of people out of their life savings with “white lies” about their company’s financial position? Did a woman, highly respected for creating a major company and setting new standards for living, once learn not to stretch the truth - even a little when she was in school? If she had, she might have avoided a major personal scandal about whether she had used insider news about a stocks’ coming decline to sell her stock.

Did several writers for major publications learn about the importance and responsibility in reporting truthfully to their readers before they made up stories from whole cloth?

Without morality and truth, the whole fabric of America weakens or fades. Reverend Becky Evans Glass, coordinator of pastoral care ministries at the Peninsula Pastoral Counseling Center in Newport News, VA, wrote about this in the Daily Press. Here, in part, is what she said:

I held my son’s sticky hand while we said the blessing around the kitchen table.

“Did you wash your hands?” I asked before we began to eat supper.

“Yes,” he replied.

I examined the palms of his little hands, gave him a questioning look, then sent him to the sink to wash them “again.” He later admitted that he had “told me a story.”

Honesty is a value we want our children to embrace. It is the foundation for trust and integrity. Little white lies may seem harmless, yet what message do we send to our children if they go unchallenged?

We may call it fibbing, exaggerating or pulling the wool over someone’s eyes.

We may say she (the white liar) is “phony” or “artificial.”

We may say he did not “own up,” “come clean,” or “level with me.” We may say, she “covered up,” “concealed,” “misled,” “misinformed,” or “misrepresented the facts.”

According to Harriet Lerner, a clinical psychologist and author, “Our language provides us with incredibly rich possibilities for describing our departures from truth-telling. Different words and phrases evoke varied images of deception, connoting a range of implications about intention and motivation, and the seriousness of harm done.”

In both the Old and New Testament a variety of words are used to represent “the sinful act of mishandling or misrepresenting truth.”

Stories of deception are a part of the Old Testament. The serpent deceived Eve in the Garden of Eden. Rebekah and her son Jacob deceived Isaac.

Jesus spoke of the importance of truth telling, authenticity, and genuineness. He warned of those who are “wolves dressed in sheep’s clothing.” He criticized religious leaders who were like “white-washed tombs.” The apostle Paul cautioned the churches about false prophets.

According to Harriet Lerner, people lie for many different reasons. They lie to make themselves more comfortable at the moment, to escape disapproval and censure, to avoid complexity and complication, to keep at bay their own emotions. They lie to get attention, to seek power or financial gain.

For their own survival, examples of deception are also evident in the animal kingdom. I recently read about African beetles that feast on ants. The beetles will kill a few ants and attach their carcasses to their own bodies in order to enter an ant colony and feast undetected.

“Although lying is commonplace in both personal and public – especially political – life,” writes Lerner, “the label of ‘liar’ is a profound condemnation in our culture, bringing to mind pathology and sin. Honesty, like authenticity is one of our culture’s most deeply held values.”

After reading Rev. Glass’ article, I took my own tally of the number of “white lies” I had told in the last three months – to cover up a mistake or omission of what I had promised to do, or to exaggerate a small victory.  The number was a little unsettling and confidential.  I could tell you, but I don’t want to lie to you.

James Michener believed in the youth of America, and I believe he was a very prescient man. He loved America, was as excited as a twelve-year-old boy by the Space Race, but because of his worldwide travels he was also troubled by what he saw ahead for America and its children. 

He felt too many Americans took little time to learn foreign languages or attempt to understand the feelings of people in other lands.  Michener believed that the respect people in other lands felt for this country was a precious gift that should be nurtured.

He gave this advice to young Americans:

“There are three major areas of the world today worth a lifetime of travel and study – the Arab world, Africa and South America.

“Young people starting out in life today could make themselves invaluable by specializing in any one of these. America’s need to know and understand the languages, history, economics and goals of these important parts of the world has never been so urgent.

“Young people by devoting their careers to a study of these areas could do much more than simply travel to these areas. They could make a major contribution to America and our world.”

Mr. Michener said this in 1982.

Dr. Barbara Mackoff said, “Everyone needs a certain amount of private time after a day of work. But you can always ‘hold court’ for children each evening, a time to see the world through their eyes by concentrating all your attention on them for the first 10-15 minutes that you’re home.”

Marshall Loeb, former Managing Editor of Money magazine, has some definite opinions about planning for your children’s education.  He said, “Parents who want to send their children to college should start saving and investing in a college fund as soon as possible after each child is born. They also should seize every opportunity to save on taxes on the money they’ve put aside.” (There are several good tax free college-savings plans available; talk with a broker or call the IRS for more information.)

He also cautioned that parents don’t have to pay top dollar for a child’s education. “There is no reason a child has to go directly from high school to a top university. Many community colleges and state universities offer an excellent education at more moderate tuition costs.

“It may also benefit a child to work for a year before college. He or she will not only save money to help pay tuition costs, but will also have had more time to consider courses of study and career direction.”

When I met Walter Cronkite, he was very concerned about the state of  education in America. One of the first things he said in that distinguished voice filled with that familiar gravitas, “Clearly our country has to be shaken by the lapels in this matter of education.

“American business can do much to improve education. It’s really a matter of self-interest – economic survival for the whole country.”

Since we talked, the outlook is even darker in some subjects. Several years ago in a University of Miami study of college geography students, 42% couldn’t say where London was located. More than 50% couldn’t find Chicago. History did not fare much better. In a survey done in 2004 of 1,000 people, the majority (93%) could not answer the question: “In what year was the first permanent English settlement established in America?” (Answer: 1607, Jamestown VA).  Some 5% answered 1492. Six people felt it must have occurred sometime in the 1900’s.

“There have been many years of financial neglect in some areas, disciplinary problems in classrooms, and great pressures not to change the curriculum,” Cronkite said.

“With all these problems it’s not hard to see why many vitally important subjects are not given the attention they deserve.

“I almost flunked physics in college. But I realized how essential this subject was when I was describing the Space Program and flights to the moon on TV. I had to work hard to educate myself on all the technical aspects before every telecast.”

Many educators suggest that parents can help.  In view of the continuing shortfall of state and federal dollars for education, it may be necessary to support certain tax increases (as unpleasant as they are) that provide additional funding for education.  Many parents and  grandparents could take more of an interest in children’s education – talking with them, reading to them, asking questions.

Walter Conkite was optimistic. “Fortunately this country does have a marvelous way of suddenly awakening to a problem, realizing its implications and moving ahead to solve it.”

Beverly Sills has dominated the world of opera in America for many decades, first as a soprano who became an international celebrity and later as the General Director of the New York City Opera.

She believes it’s very important to support opera for the sake of children.  “Our children live in a world which can sometimes be disturbed and ugly. But we can give them the beautiful world of opera.”

I asked her when parents should introduce their children to classical music and opera.

“You have to be realistic,” she said. “When a child is six seven, every opera has to have fairies or beautiful costumes. But I think the age of about nine is ideal. You can explain the story of an opera to them. However, you do have to be careful not to introduce children to any art form such as classical music or opera which may  be beyond their mental grasp. You could turn them off for the rest of their lives.

“When older students want to study music as a career, it’s no longer necessary for them to go to Europe for their education.  There are excellent apprentice programs in many of the regional opera companies. There are also many superb music conservatories in this country that have benefited from the immigration from Europe of many great musicians and teachers. These great music schools are all over this country. Just one example – the music faculty at Indiana University in Bloomington is absolutely mind boggling.”

Masterpiece Theatre host and author Russell Baker said, “There’s one point that you can tell people about children, but nobody will accept it intellectually; you only learn it after you’ve done it.

“Children are not toys. When they give you that lovely little thing at the hospital when you and your wife go home, you think you have this marvelous toy. The most elegant toy ever constructed, and it’s all yours. But it’s not a toy.  It’s not you re-created. It’s a person who is going to turn into another human being just like people everywhere. And you’re going to have to be prepared for a lot of good and bad transactions with that person in the years ahead.”

“I have found that humor can be very tricky when dealing with children whose minds don’t operate at the level of sophistication as their parents. What seems funny to me if I’m speaking to a child is apt to sound mean or cutting to that little person. You have to realize that in humor there is a very sharp edge under it, and sometimes there’s hostility in humor. A child is very likely to pick up the hostility without seeing what’s funny.

Simple advice from parents can stay with a child for decades.

My mother grew up in the Great Depression. She said to me:

“When times get tough, work in a restaurant. You’ll always get something to eat.”

Ron Lassiter, a friend who helps me maintain the yard, has several kids. He tells them, “Try to be your own boss.  And remember that trouble is a lot easier to get into that out of.”

Remember that children can be malleable, especially at a young age, and guided toward better choices in life.

Harriet Lerner in her insightful book, The Dance of Connection, tells this story.

Two little kids are playing together in a sandbox in the park with their pails and shovels. Suddenly a huge fight breaks out, and one of them runs away screaming, “I hate you!  I hate you!”  In no time at all they’re back in the sandbox, playing together as if nothing had happened.

Two adults observe the interaction from a nearby bench. “Did you see that?” one comments in admiration. “How do children do that?  They were enemies five minutes ago.”

“It’s simple,” the other replies. “They chose happiness over righteousness.”

 So can their parents.

Reinventing your children

Think about:

What bad habits do you have that you don’t want your children to inherit?  Smoking, use of profanity, drinking to excess, or? Since children frequently repeat parents’ behavior, are there changes you can make in yourself – for the sake of your children? 

Take action:

Begin to read to your children at the earliest possible age.  Spend time with your children. Encourage them to ask questions. Be prepared for some exasperating as well as some good times with them.  As Russell Baker pointed out, they are human beings with many of the good and bad traits that implies.  But your actions today can have a great influence on the lives they will lead.

Words to consider: 

“A child’s life is like a piece of paper on which every passerby leaves a mark.”

Chinese Proverb

“Character may be manifested in the great moments, but it is made in the small ones.”

Episcopal Minister Phillip Brooks